Full Moon challenge

Having had a super busy week of supporting my beloved friend's art life, the full moon just kicked in and my ass while not expecting the full force of nature coming down in form of tension.
Why?
What on earth?
Everything conspires to uplift and carry my soul home.
Lightness of being.

So how could it be that the lake of pain is deeper and it's pull stonger than the ocean of compassion with the reflection of the full moon shining so brightly on it.
So, things aren't in line to be sustainable and supportive of a life of depth and regeneration.
Chaos is pretty much daily fare and I trust my higher power to be in charge, since nothing I do or am in charge of can possibly carry Grace as service can.

Must I truly make changes so radical, so disturbing, so painful to be, once again, the One and only, instead of the part of a couple that sustains and nourishes?

Promises were made and keeping them is the work.

Can we just have fun again?
Can we look into each others eyes and see sparkling joy?

Tonight?

Breaking up is easy to do and hard to maintain serenity around

It's his mental and emotional absence and unavailability that breaks connection. 

Astro: "Although it's difficult to let go of a hurtful memory, you are now able to see beyond your previously limited point of view as you reinvent your frame of reference. Today, your emotional IQ is supplemented by your common sense as the earthy Taurus New Moon activates your 7th House of Relationships. It doesn't matter how much your life has changed; you can still benefit from a supportive friendship if you are willing to entertain the possibilities."


I felt so scared and hurt over being left for two days not knowing how to connect or receive attention that I had to find something to explain my pain.
I found a lingering romance with someone long distance that made my stomach turn and highlighted the hurt and fear I have around being abandoned by a vital heart connection.


The outbursts and destructive force of anger and resentment where so violent, they almost killed all connection...if my boyfriend wouldn't be who he is and understand where this pain comes from, I would have lost him for good.


Remarkably, he showed up in a completely new way...more loving and fun, more open and available than I could have ever asked for.


Why the need for such storms that hurt so much, it's like stabbing at myself with a knife, over and over...I would have had severe cuts had I acted out the feelings I had during this week.

Divine Design operates in all my affairs

The word operates fascinates me.
Origin: 

1600–10; < LL operātus, ptp. of operārī, -āre to work, be efficacious, effect, produce, L: to busy oneself, v. deriv. of opera effort, work, akin to opus work; see -ate¹

It implies work, surgery, theater and drama as in opera, stealth undertaking of military operations...it all conspires to a single event: one day at a time in my life.
So when I think of Divine Design, the blueprint of my life, the shape, the taste, the smell, the quality of my day, effected by the operation of divine impetus...IF I LET it happen that way.
When I use my mental capacity to align myself to divine design, I live creatively according to my top line. Every  thought that pops into the sky of my mind produces a feeling...and all thoughts produce corresponding feelings....I get to choose to give it importance and therefore power.

Then I can ask myself, what would I prefer to feel right now?
Connection, contentment, success in worldly affairs make me feel grounded and deeply grateful...I see that I have a choice. My life takes on the shape of those thoughts and feelings, people and circumstances.

No longer do I have to control, manipulate or fret over what is. I can Love, I can dance, give and receive joy, be still and deep, document what I see and celebrate this gift of life: The Present.

Balance while walking the razors edge

Finding the balance between being on my own and not alone.


Taking care of business while still taking care of significant relationships as I am myself in a healthy way.
Every day there is the challenge to stay afloat in joy.
It's not a miracle or random gift, I find, but a meticulous effort to do what I know is healthy and uplifting to me. What that might be, changes every minute and with every situation.


Today, it was staying in town, going to DMV for address change and car registration, smog check, brakes repair and writing all the blog posts for this months art exhibition at the gallery. Texting support to my absent, unavailable boyfriend and setting up a visit to a friend on bed rest. 


This instead of the camping trip I had looked forward to.


All this, while I am in between having a home and steady income....staying with friends who are patient, kind and a lot of fun to hang out with. Going to 12 step meetings, meeting new friends, who I can call upon when I need to stay afloat in joy. Thats how it works...giving and receiving...when those are in balance, life is good.


"....In more and more societies, though (including my country and probably yours), I'd argue that there's a different dividing line. This is the line between people who are actively engaged in new ideas, actively seeking out change, actively engaging--and people who accept what's given and slog along. It starts in school, of course, and then the difference accelerates as we get older. Some people make the effort to encounter new challenges or to grapple with things they disagree with. They seek out new people and new opportunities and relish the discomfort that comes from being challenged to grow (and challenging others to do the same)." Seth Godin


Today, I make the effort to stay afloat in joy.
Today, I thank heaven for the Divine Design operating in my life, taking care of the bigger picture, so that I can live in truth today. Taking the steps that lead me to - morrow.