To draw a deep clean breath is one of the most joyful experiences in this body.
Movement...Art...Leisure....Food.
Alone time at my new home.
Crying deeply every night.
This is not what I wanted.
Understanding what it is that I do want.
This morning during meditation I saw it:
"Just ask Jules...articulate....ask for what you want.
You can have it...promise. You just have to ask."
Nicely.
Relaxed.
Knowing that God hears every thought and heart's desire.
Pray for those you love and left behind.
For the miracle of having Dawn as my daughter.
Golden Dawn.
Finding out about "abandonment depression'... triggered by experiences alike to what 'happened' as an infant, locked into the cells of the body....which is why no matter how 'old' we are, it's locked insdie and can be healed only...HOW?
I gotta know.
It has destroyed so many relationships and fine connections.
Flashbacks of terror...of being alone...sad and needing a kind word.
A hug.
Ouch.
Forgetting all the connections that went before.
Loosing all perspective.
Flooded with primal fear.There has to be a way.
This is what I pray....
I want to have these locked up patterns released from my body and mostly: mind.
Once and for all.
Until then, I need to be able to drop it like a coin, like a hat, like a hot potato.
Just drop it.
And be free.
At leisure with my art & favorite foods & peeps.
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